Tag: believer

Not Always Yes

Today my pastor, Pastor Russ Weidel, spoke about prayer and in his message he said that God has four responses to prayer…

YES

NO

NOT YET &

YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME?

He added the fourth somewhat in humor but I found it quite possible, even probable, that sometimes God is shaking His head at our requests. Pastor Russ also said that God does not always say yes to our prayers. He always answers but the answer is not always yes.

It reminded me of when I became paralyzed 27 years ago. As a new wife, new mom, young woman and follower of Christ, I prayed for Jesus to heal me. I prayed that I would be able to wiggle a toe. I prayed that I would be able to lift my leg. I prayed for feeling when the doctors stuck a needle in my leg. I prayed to walk. I prayed for a miracle.

Others prayed for this too. I know many family members, friends, and even strangers prayed that I would walk again. They went to the throne of God on my behalf, asking for a miracle. I look back and am amazed at the people who prayed for me.

After a while I felt like I was letting people down. They would tell me they were praying for me to be healed yet month after month passed and no matter how hard I tried and how much I wanted it, I still wasn’t able to make my brain force my toe to wiggle. It was a terrible feeling which caused me to have many questions and confusions. I doubted if my faith was strong enough. I questioned if I wasn’t trying as hard as I could. I wondered if I had done something wrong and if God was punishing me. I struggled with guilt for not being healed.

But God doesn’t always say yes.

In my case, God did not say yes to those prayers. But that’s not the end of my story. While I have not been healed physically, 27 years later I can clearly see how much He has blessed me and used me as a paraplegic. Paralysis is my story and He always uses our stories beyond what we can imagine.

Instead of walking, God said yes to allowing me to grow closer to Him. Through all of my surgeries, pressure sores, muscle spasms and sleepless nights, God has used those trials to help me draw closer to Him. Nights spent alone in a hospital room caused me to cry out to Him for rest. Times of intense fear caused me to seek Him for comfort. Days struggling with unending pain had me calling to Him for strength beyond my own.

God said yes to giving me an opportunity to share my story with people that I never would have met if I wasn’t in a wheelchair. I have met countless people who are disabled or know someone who is disabled or just are struggling and need someone to talk to about their pain. He has given me a mission field of people who I can reach since I have endured so much physically and emotionally from my paralysis.

God said yes to giving me my deepest desire of more children. I loved my first son and was so grateful for his life but God blessed our family by growing it with a little boy from across the ocean and then surprising us all with a baby girl too. I never expected God to answer my heart’s desire with THREE beautiful children.

God said yes to letting me find humor on tough days. Not every day and every situation is funny, but God has given me a gift to find laughter in the midst of my trials. One day I had a terrible bowel accident when we were at Penn State University for a track meet. I sobbed that day, hating my life and mortified at the embarrassment of such an awful circumstance. But now it makes me laugh because it was the day I met my future son-in-law, Jaiden. (Crappy way to meet someone, huh? See what I did there.)

God said yes to building my character. He has allowed awkward moments, unbelievable situations and some difficult testing of my faith to grow me in many areas. I have grown stronger through my weakness; thankful when it’s hard to find joy; trusting when I am fearful; and dependent when I want to have control. As my pastor said today, God is more concerned about our character than our comfort.

God said yes to so many things which are better than walking. After 27 years of sitting in a wheelchair, peeing through a tube, having accidents at the worst times, enduring spasms that make me cry, experiencing 19 surgeries, countless hospital stays and even being on death’s door a few times, I have learned that sometimes the best gifts come from God “not always saying yes.”

And the best part… I don’t believe God said no to my prayer of walking. I believe He instead has answered with a NOT YET! Because one day I am going to be before God in Heaven and He is going to answer my prayers. He will say ARISE and I will immediately be healed and spend eternity walking down the streets of gold. (Plus racing Zach, pole vaulting with Alex & dancing with Morgan.)

What a glorious day that will be!

Unexpected gifts…

When I was 29 years old…

I had a very high risk pregnancy.

My life could have been at risk during both the pregnancy and delivery.

I had a husband and two small sons at home.

Abortion was suggested to me by my physicians.

I would like to share the story of my last pregnancy. But first you must know… I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I believe in life. I believe life begins at conception.

At age 29, I was a young mom of two little boys and found myself in a situation I never expected. Backing up a bit… at the age of 23, I gave birth to my first son, Zach, and due to complications I became a paraplegic. During surgery they discovered some life threatening issues, including an aneurysm and two spinal AVM’s. The specialists at Columbia University Hospital in NYC did their best to block blood flow to those areas but were not able to block them more than 40%. The paralysis was caused by the extra blood flow from the pregnancy so a future pregnancy would hold a lot of unknowns and possible risks.

After many discussions, we decided that we weren’t ready to take any risks with my life so we chose to adopt our second child. We adopted our second son, Alex, as a three year old from an orphanage in Romania. I can’t lie and say that there weren’t big adjustments, especially for Alex who had left the only life he knew to join a family of strangers in a foreign land but also for Zach who had been our one and only for five years and now had to share his room, his toys and his parents with a brother who didn’t even speak English. But as a family we began to adapt to our new normal and settle into a routine together. As a paraplegic, it took some time for me to acclimate to having two active, busy preschoolers but I truly loved being a mom to these two little ones.

As Alex’s first anniversary with our family approached, I began to notice that I was not feeling well. I had a lot of nausea and even bouts of vomiting. Never giving pregnancy a passing thought, I mentioned it to my friend, Cindy. She asked me if pregnancy was a possibility which I immediately laughed at the notion. Yet as days passed and the symptoms increased, the thought took root in my head. I mentioned it to my husband who promptly drove to Walmart purchasing a double pack of pregnancy tests.

The first test yielded a very faint pink line but it was not very clear one way or the other. The second test was similar. It showed a faint line indicating pregnancy but unlike our first pregnancy, it was not immediately positive. Steve hopped back in the car and back to Walmart for another test in a different brand. He came home with another two pack. This time the line was very obvious that I was indeed pregnant. I took the fourth test just because my insides were freaking out as my brain began to realize what the positive test meant.

This test meant a precious little life was growing inside me. But it also meant an abundance of conflicting emotions and thoughts.

I was overjoyed. I was terrified.

I wanted more children. I didn’t want to leave the two children I already had.

I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I didn’t want anyone to know.

I couldn’t wait to have a newborn again. What on earth would I do with a newborn?

I wanted to live. I would give my life for this child.

God blessed me. WHY God?

These thoughts (and many more) were my constant companions. Once reality set in, I began to see various doctors trying to determine what this pregnancy meant for me.

One doctor sat me down and gave me some scary truths. My situation was unknown to all of my specialists. They had not had a situation like mine and were unsure of the complications and risks to my health. I had two children at home and I had to consider them because this was a very high risk pregnancy for me. He laid out the option of an abortion saying that I needed to consider all of my options since there were just so many unknowns. While he did not push it, I knew that it was a suggestion he thought I should seriously consider.

I had gone alone to that appointment. I needed to hear the truth, but I was frightened by all he said. Was I selfish if I had this baby? Would I die and leave my boys alone? What was the right decision? Yet as I left his office, peace settled around my heart and I knew that an abortion was not the answer for me. The peace didn’t remove all of my fears. Some days I would look at the faces of my little boys and just beg God to keep me safe so I could watch them grow up. But the peace gave me the assurance that no matter what happened, God was in control and I could trust Him with not only my life but the life of my unborn baby.

Once the doctors realized that abortion was not going to be an option, it was never mentioned again as they just jumped on board to make this pregnancy go as easily as possible. They still discussed concerns but I felt as though each doctor and nurse I met made it their goal to get both of us to the finish line healthy and whole.

As the pregnancy progressed, I spent numerous hours in one doctor’s office or another. I saw a neurosurgeon for the issues in my spine; I went weekly to my OB/GYN for monitoring; I went weekly to a high risk doctor for ultrasounds and testing; I had to see my urologist (this baby killed my bladder); and my regular doctors who just followed my personal health and my medications. Medications were another big issue because some I absolutely had to have, yet could harm the baby so I opted not to take them despite the added problems it caused me physically.

When I was 34 weeks pregnant, I went in to see my OB who was a believer and very compassionate man. He came in and he asked me how I was feeling and although I am a very strong person, I burst into tears and told him I could not be pregnant for one more second.

I was peeing my pants constantly. I was either constipated or had the runs. I had non stop muscle spasms. I was uncomfortable. I was nauseous. I WAS DONE.

(I also had rowdy four & six year old sons and had just packed and moved our entire home while my husband was out of town for work quite a bit. My rope was getting shorter and shorter and my grip was slipping.)

After an amniocentesis to make sure the baby would be safe, my doctors got together and made a delivery plan. I would deliver my baby (even after weekly ultrasounds, I did not know if it was a boy or girl) by C-Section four weeks early. The neurosurgeon did not feel it was safe to insert an epidural in my spine so I had to be put under general anesthesia for the delivery. The high risk specialist would be in attendance to monitor me while my OB would perform the C-Section.

Moments before I was to go into the operating room, my husband and I prayed together. We were both afraid. I was shaking. But we trusted God. No matter what would happen in the next hour, we had trust that God was writing our story.I knew I made the right choice. This unborn baby who I had yet to meet was as much my child as Zach or Alex and I could never take any of their lives. Even if it meant losing mine.

Praise the Lord my story was not yet over. After I woke up from surgery, I saw my husband standing there with our precious baby girl. Unspeakable joy filled me as I realized that I had two little boys and now a baby girl. My heart wanted to burst with gratitude for surviving the pregnancy and delivery and the realization that my deepest prayers were answered and the desire of my heart was given. Tears filled my eyes as I kissed my husband knowing together we would watch our sweet family grow.

My sons gained a little sister, Morgan, and other than an infection in my body, I was healthy. I did have my tubes tied because I didn’t want to risk my life again. I am still so grateful for these unexpected gifts from God. All three of my kiddos. My three kids-in-law. Realizing how valuable life is. Learning to depend on God. Discovering peace and joy amidst worry and fear. Trusting when your faith is shaky. All unexpected. All gifts.

My story may not be how I would have written it but I have learned to be thankful that God is the author holding the pen.

My story < His glory

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As New York passed the bill this week for full term abortions, I have seen and heard arguments from both sides of the debate. Personally I am deeply saddened by this bill as I value both life and adoption. I do not write my story to debate or argue with anyone but rather to be understanding of how circumstances and life can be frightening. I hope to encourage women to help one another, support one another, love one another. I also hope it encourages you to trust God when you feel hopeless and afraid.

Maybe choice begins with the choice to join our hands with less judgement and more love. Less criticism and more compassion. Less selfishness and more serving. Less guilt and more prayer. Less me and more Jesus.

The day Morgan was born & her big brother’s meeting her. (Steve lost the stache thank goodness!)

Zach, Morgan & Alex on Morgan’s wedding day

Photo by Cross Photography

God knows you and loves you.

 

So Will I…

Recently as I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw a Christian t-shirt advertised for a Black Friday sale. The shirt said “So Will I.” Since ads are constantly popping up on social media, I continued skimming my news feed, not giving much thought to the shirt.

But the phrase “So Will I” kept coming to my mind. What did that phrase mean as far as Christianity? Obviously it meant something or a faith based company would not be selling it, right? But I could not quite figure out what it meant.

So I did whatever I do when I want answers for something I don’t understand that I see online. I googled it. As a youth group leader, I have also had to google things like HMU (hit me up), SMH (shaking my head), and to find out what a streak is on Snapchat (which by the way, back in my day streaking meant something completely different).

Apparently it is a song written by Hillsong that inspired the shirt. One line really struck me as I read the lyrics and has continued to play through my mind.

“If You gave Your life to love them, so will I.”

In January (2018), I went as a youth leader on a winter retreat to the Christian Retreat Center in East Waterford, Pennsylvania. I can truly say that weekend changed my life. I was there to lead and mentor teens, but God used that weekend to begin a transformation in me.

Jaiden (the youth leader and my now son-in-law) had the kids look at our ministry and what our purpose should be. Looking at the Greatest Commandment and the Great Commission, we narrowed down our purpose to “Love God, Love People & Make Jesus Followers.”

It seems as though the theme of 2018 for me has become to love God more and love people like Jesus.

Loving God sounds easy. I love Him… I go to church every week… I read my daily Bible verse from my app when it pops up at 10am every morning… I listen to worship music in my van when I run to Target. So I’m good on that part of the commandment, right? Wrong!

While I did love God, I had gotten apathetic and lazy in my walk with Him. I was just going through the “Christian” motions. But He wants me… my heart and my soul and my mind. He wants it all. My whole being. Even the ugly parts that I like to hide.

I have been reading and studying my Bible but also doing daily devotions with a group of believers, talking with friends about Jesus and listening to messages which has deepened my love for God. Prayer, which is just talking to God, is another way to love Him deeper, especially if you are just open, vulnerable, raw and real when you pray. Plus He knows all our crap anyway so why try to hide it?

Loving God with your entire being (heart, soul and mind) is probably impossible as selfish humans who get caught up in our lives but boy… just trying to love Him deeper and denying yourself really changes your perspective. And it makes you eager to know Him and love Him more.

As far as loving people, we are to love…

the awkward, the nerds, the disabled, the annoying, the cheaters, the bratty, the pessimistic, the promiscuous, the cocky, the prideful, the know-it-all’s, the liars, the whiners, the judgmental, the gossipers, the drunks, the drug addicted, the homeless, the wealthy, the complainers, the pretty, the ugly, the fat, the rude, the dramatic… get the picture?

We are not only called but also commanded to love them. And let’s face it… you and I may (or definitely) fit into one of those categories. If you don’t think you do, then I would start with prideful.

I love my husband. My kids. My family. My friends. Even that is sometimes exhausting but loving the people I am not naturally drawn to… that is not easy. Loving those I dislike is hard. And loving those who have hurt me (or even worse… hurt my loved ones) is almost impossible. But we are to love them anyway. And even more… love them like Jesus loves them.

Dang! I don’t always want to follow what God says quite honestly because truthfully I do not want to love certain people. A quote Jaiden recently shared in a sermon really struck me. It was a quote by Dorothy Day who said, “I really only love God as much as the person I love the least.” (Ouch!)

Why must we love them? Simply put… because Jesus does and because He tells us to do it.

He died on the cross and rose again to save me but also the sinners… oh wait… that is also me! He loves a murderer who is sitting on death row just as much as He loves me, a chubby paraplegic sitting in the pew every Sunday. In fact, the Bible is filled with stories of “sinners” (including murderers, prostitutes, adulterers, etc) who changed their lives completely after believing and following God.

No one in God’s eyes is unlovable or unusable… especially those we deem undesirable. This type of love isn’t necessarily the hand holding, hugging, best friend love, but rather love that reflects Jesus and His attributes. Like forgiving wrong doings and not holding grudges, showing understanding and not judging, being gentle and not harsh, exhibiting selflessness and not selfishness, serving rather than taking… the kind of love that isn’t natural unless you are loving God! Then His characteristics start to meld into your characteristics.

If you love God, you start to love people. As you love people, you love God deeper. It’s cyclical.

I didn’t buy the t-shirt and I didn’t download the song but the message is rooted throughout His Word and needs to be cultivated into our hearts.

“If You gave Your life to love them, so will I!”

Winter Retreat to Christian Retreat Center with Relentless Student Ministries

Matthew 22:36-40

In everything…

Several weeks ago we turned the clocks back an hour. Now it is dark before dinner. I love the cozy moments of late fall/winter. Blankets, reading a good book, watching a movie on the couch, Christmas lights, holiday activities and falling snow are some great moments of the cold season in Pennsylvania.

But with those moments also comes seasonal depression. Not getting out of the house as often, lack of sunshine because of the many gray days, bitter cold temperatures that seep into your bones, snow that is counted in feet rather than inches… seasonal depression is a real thing for me. Sometimes the snow keeps me stuck in the house for days because I cannot maneuver my chair through the drifts. That leads to loneliness and too much time alone. And as a people person and extrovert, loneliness is not my friend.

A few years ago I was so tired of having the winter blahs that I was getting on my own nerves. I was feeling so down in the dumps that I couldn’t even stand my own company. I was sad, lonely, bored, cranky, frustrated and restless. One morning I read my daily verse and it said,

“Rejoice Always, Pray without ceasing, In EVERYTHING, give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The words IN EVERYTHING jumped out at me. I am called to give thanks when my car is broken (which was my situation most of this month); or when my wheelchair stops running (which is frequent); or when my health is bad; or when I am upset about a situation or circumstance; or even when I am just lonely and bored. I need to give thanks all of the time, not just when things are good but in everything. That’s not always easy for me. Sometimes I just want to sit alone, having a pity party and whine, pout and mope.

After reading that verse, I pulled out a notebook and decided to write down things I was thankful for because I wanted to focus on the blessings in my life. I started writing a list down every day and I found myself coming out of my funk. Amazingly when you start consciously looking for things you are grateful for, your head and your heart start to change. It isn’t as easy to be self focused when you intentionally become thankful.

With Thanksgiving being this week, we are often asked “What are you thankful for this year?” At this time of year we are quicker to share the things that make us thankful. While this is a great yearly practice, I think we need to make gratitude a constant state of mind.

We can’t always change our circumstances (I will most likely not wake up tomorrow able to walk), but we can begin to look for things in our circumstances that are good.

Depression is a very real thing and I do not want anyone to think I am saying that it isn’t. I take (and need to take) daily anti depressants to help me with my mental health. But I have found that intentionally looking for gratitude, especially in my moments of anxiety, depression and frustration really helps me refocus my mind which then transforms my heart.

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, I hope you take time to give thanks but also that you begin to daily become thankful in everything. Begin a gratitude journal and write down at least 5 things daily and watch it transform your attitude.

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A few excerpts from my journal:

I am thankful for:

Clean sheets that smell fresh like Tide

Laughing with friends until it hurts

Life chats with my sons, Zach & Alex

Worshipping God freely without fear

Target trips with my daughter, Morgan

Christmas lights that brighten up the darkness

Long phone conversations with my Mom or Jen

Craft times with my nieces

FaceTime chats with Camryn, my 4 year old niece

Homemade applesauce & the smell of apples and cinnamon

Getting my van back after weeks of it not working (thanks Steve for finding the magic place)

A power wheelchair that drives fast and doesn’t kill my arms

Sunday afternoon naps

My paralysis giving me opportunities to meet new people

Ordering pizza and not cooking dinner

Memories of Thanksgiving around my Grandma’s table

Wednesday night youth group with amazing kids & awesome teaching by Jaiden

Getting so involved in a good book that I lose track of time

It’s not always big things but little moments of thankfulness. Adopt an attitude of gratitude!

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy time with your family and friends sharing a yummy meal around the table! And wear your fat pants so you aren’t uncomfortable when you go for seconds! Stretchy pants should definitely make the thankful list!

Six of my biggest reasons to be thankful! ❤️

18,262

I have been alive for 1/2 of a century today… exactly 18,262 days!

It took me a long time to do that math and then double check my numbers but I am willing to do that much work for the faithful readers of this blog post.

Okay… truthfully I just googled it but I am 50 now… my brain doesn’t do math anymore… or in reality it has never done math. Just ask my Dad! He tried so hard to make me understand math but my emotionally charged, imaginative, wordy right brain just never got it!

For many of my 18,000+ days, I have been a hot mess! Some of my mayhem is from being a sinner who makes bad choices and fails regularly. Self admittedly, I have moments of frustration, impatience, judgements, doubts, selfishness and so on… that sin issue sure can make my life messy.

My personality also contributes to my mess. I have voiced things I later regret; laughed at inappropriate things at inappropriate times; made assumptions before knowing facts; created problems that never existed… a lot of that comes from being a talkative, overthinking, excitable extrovert.

Another factor is that I have not walked for 9,669 days. That’s longer than the number of days I was able to walk. So needless to say, the wheelchair and paralysis is a very big aspect of my life. Add all of that together and it equals some chaotic, muddling moments!

Consequently, this has led me to the realization that the process of becoming a little less messy is all because of WHO I believe in and not what I do!

One of my favorite images of God is as a silver smith working on a piece of silver over a fire. The fire is necessary to bring out the beauty and the strength of the work. The artisan has to hold it over the heat, never taking His eyes off of His work. He watches it intently, knowing exactly what that silver needs to become pure and not damaged. He knows his work is only truly completed when He can see His own image reflected clearly in it.

I look at my life as God continually refining me. I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior 11,899 days ago. I didn’t know anything about living for Jesus at age 18. Who am I kidding? At age 50, I still have a lot to learn. But through many years of paralysis, 29 surgeries, three near death experiences, being life lined, and surviving other numerous trials that challenged me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I believe that God has been molding me into a better person.

Some learned lessons…

I have learned to trust Him, thankful that His eyes never flicker away from me during the painful moments.

I have had to have faith when I question why I am in the fire, fully believing that the craftsman understands the process so I don’t need all of the answers.

I have discovered I have strength to withstand the fire and trials as long as my Father is right there holding me in His nail pierced hands.

I have seen that beauty can be made out of something ugly. Thankfully the artist can see beyond what only human eyes see. He chips away the impurities, knowing underneath there is a rare treasure.

I know I am not complete yet. None of us are. But I desire to be a reflection of Jesus. I long to love like Jesus. I long to serve like Jesus. I long to give like Jesus. As inadequate as I am at loving, serving, and giving, Jesus is teaching me and fashioning my character to be more like His.

One great gift of refinement is gaining empathy and compassion for others who are going through their own process of refinement.

Being in a wheelchair has given me countless opportunities to talk to others. Many people are struggling and need encouragement to deal with their “handicaps.” (We all have handicaps; mine is just visible.) It can be physical trials or depression or family issues or financial troubles or all of the above… but all of us can say we have times of difficulty. With the platform of my paralysis, I have had opportunities to talk to people about their trials (or fires). Experiencing my own moments of distress has allowed me to feel more compassionate towards others. God takes our challenges and turns them into opportunities. Opportunities to pray, love, give, help, comfort, listen, encourage, share… take your lessons and turn them into occasions to be there for someone else.

God turns beauty from ashes. Messes into messages. Tests into testimonies. Trials into triumphs. But you cannot keep that transformation to yourself.

SO….

Pray unceasingly. Love the unlovable. Give of yourself. Help with a need. Comfort the hurting. Listen to the lonely. Encourage the weary. Share your story.

Today on my big milestone, I want to just say that I am thankful that Jesus, the creator of the universe, holds me in His hands, never taking His eyes off of me while He creates something beautiful.

And now after all this deep reflecting, I am off for my free breakfast at Shady Maple… happy birthday to me!🎈🎁🎂🎉

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My P.S.’s…

Special thanks to my family & friends who made my birthday so wonderful! I am thankful for all of you who “walk” this journey with me!

Dad… I added numbers in this post just for you! Usually I never mix numbers and letters… that’s too much like Algebra for me! 😘

My kiddos… missing Katie & Mandi, my fellow birthday girls!

My parents who rescued me from the wild dogs… a story for another day!

Some Steve look alikes!

Some of my special girls (Katie, Jenny, Kenzie, Camryn, Morgan, Danielle) The photo would be perfect with Donna, Becky, Zoey, Holly, Anna, Nova, Mandi & Ashley in it!

Just a few of many people I adore. Missing pics of special friends & family but count myself beyond blessed!