Read the chart…

As a paraplegic, I have seen more than my fair share of health professionals. I have had some amazing nurses, doctors, technicians, etc. yet occasionally I need to see a new health care worker that asks questions that may have been better not asked or should have been rephrased.

These are just a few questions I have been asked with some of my actual responses and some sarcastic answers that just pop into my head but thankfully do not leave my mouth. You can decide which are which.

Can you rate your pain from 1-10? {0}. I need a number. {I gave you one. Zero.}. But that isn’t on the chart. {But I don’t feel pain. I do not have any feeling in my legs.} What do you mean you don’t feel it? {I mean, I am paralyzed and do not feel anything from the waist down.} But I need a number. {Okay… 10.} Writes down 10 and suddenly I am on a morphine drip.

Do you need the wheelchair? {No… I was just feeling lazy today so I purchased a $30,000 chair to drive myself around.}

Can you stand? {No.} Not at all? {Nope. I am paralyzed and cannot stand at all.}. OH. (Just looks at me, confused and not sure what to do.)

Can you flex your foot? {Can you read my chart?}

What do you mean you are paralyzed? {Hmmmm… I mean I cannot walk, stand, move or feel anything from the waist down. Google it. Try WebMD.}

If you are paralyzed, how will you get to your appointment? {Well I planned to drive my car but I suppose if it isn’t too far, I can crawl there with only my arms.}

Were you born that way? {Yes. It was very hard on my mom when she had to deliver the wheelchair, but at least she didn’t have to teach me how to walk.}

How do you go to the bathroom? {I use a catheter.} And you are able to do that by yourself? {Well it was either learn how to do it or drive to your office every time I have to pee. So I went with the first option.}

I am going to leave this next to your bed in case you need it later. Brings in a walker! {Okay, that wasn’t a question but it was very funny.}

And my all time favorite… as a doctor looks at me with my wheelchair sitting next to me… Do you get out of breath when running? {Sir… I can honestly say NO, I do not get out of breath when running.} I just sighed and shook my head in disbelief while my niece, sister-in-law and husband laughed hysterically in corner.

Disclaimer: I appreciate many of the people who have helped me and cared for me during times of physical struggles. So if you are a health care professional, please know this post is just in jest and I hold you in high regard. Except for a few who should maybe take a refresher course. 😂